The past 3 weeks have been a whirlwind of doctor’s appointments, test results, and surgery scheduling. I’ll try to update on those 3 things in order of occurrence.
Once I decided that a double mastectomy and reconstruction was the route I wanted to take, an appointment was made for me with a plastic surgeon. I had some unrealistic expectations going into this appointment. In my mind I had convinced myself that I would go in for surgery and have the boobs that are trying to kill me removed, and walk out with my new fake set…not so much! As I quickly learned, the day of surgery I will have an expander placed under each pectoral muscle and will have to go through a process to stretch the muscles to support the implants. When I say a process, I’m talking approximately 3 months AND another surgery before I get the implants. The thought of being flat-chested has caused a lot of anxiety. I have not been flat-chested since I was 10! It’s so weird how you don’t really notice individual parts of your body until they are taken from you. And maybe it’s a woman thing…you are losing something that identifies you as a woman…I don’t know.
I had prayed about the decision for treatment and really felt like God was leading toward the double mastectomy. I don’t know why we do, but we always want more confirmation from God that we really are making the right decision…I definitely wanted extra confirmation on this decision (especially after hearing I was not walking out of the operating room ready to go)! As I mentioned in my last update, I had some genetic testing done. They were testing to see if I had BRCA1 or BRCA2 or more commonly known as “the breast cancer gene”. Well, it turns out I do have BRCA2. This little gene mutation increases my chances of breast cancer, ovarian cancer, and a few other things. The two which present the greatest concern are breast and ovarian cancer. What does this mean for me? Well, in regards to the breast cancer, should I only have a lumpectomy or single mastectomy I would have increased chances of reoccurrence. SO, this confirmed my decision to have the double mastectomy….not quite the confirmation I wanted, but you know I asked for confirmation and God gave it! In regards to the ovarian cancer chances, I also now have to think about having my ovaries removed. Not a really easy thing to deal with when you are single and have no kids & having your ovaries removed takes those chances away. However, I also know that having BRCA2 means I could pass it on to my child (50/50 chance) and I wouldn’t want to knowingly pass this on to a kid. The ovary removal is obviously not at the forefront of my thoughts, but it is there and will be dealt after I’ve kicked the cancer!
So, with me ready to move forward with surgery it was time to get a date scheduled. So, November 30th I will be going in to have a double mastectomy and latissimus dorsi flap reconstruction. For the reconstruction they will be taking muscles from my back and moving them to my chest to give extra support. They will also insert an expander under my pectorals. Beginning two weeks after surgery, I will go once a week to have saline injected into the expander until I we have stretched it to the desired size (approximately 9 weeks). I like to view this as puberty ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!
I’m quickly learning that there is nothing quick about the cancer journey. I’m so thankful for the love and support I’ve been shown over the last several weeks. I have heard countless times from people around me how well I’m handling all of this. I KNOW it is God who is giving me strength when I have none on my own. None of this caught God by surprise, and I’m convinced He has a plan and a purpose for me going through this and I’m just going to trust. As one of my friends said to me the other day, “Some moments you have to just reach out and say, ‘Blessed Jesus, hold my hand!’”
Monday, November 14, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Those 3 words...
I have always been paranoid about lumps in my breast, so I’m constantly doing self-exams. While I was paranoid about finding a lump, I never thought I would find a lump! So, how shocked was I when I did find a lump on September 17th?!?! I immediately went into freak out mode! I spent that entire night tossing and turning trying to convince myself the whole thing was a horrible dream and I would just wake up to find there wasn’t a lump there at all…WRONGO!!!!! The next morning I woke up ready to go to church where we were beginning a new series titled, “Fear Less.” I thought if there ever was a sermon series that I needed to hear at this exact moment, this was the one! I cried through an entire song. I’m not one who likes to lose my composure in public, AND I’m DEFINITELY not a fan of crying all my make-up off in a public place! I don’t leave my house without a little something on my face! All I can say is, “Thank God for waterproof mascara!” As I sat there crying my eyes out & my make-up off, I felt a peace come over me. I knew God was with me & would not leave my side through the next 4 weeks of waiting and doctor appointments.
Everyone tells you not to worry about something like finding a lump, but that is so much easier said than done! First of all, I’m not an extremely patient person…I hope God is not trying to teach me patience here cause this will be a long, bumpy ride! I didn’t like the fact that I had to wait until Monday morning to call to try to get in to see a doctor. They couldn’t see me until Friday. I waited almost a week for the first appointment. I didn’t sleep much that entire week. I hoped my appointment on that Friday would provide answers, but it didn’t. I was told that I would have to see a breast specialist. I attempted to call that afternoon only to find that office closes early on Friday and I would need to wait until Monday to try to schedule an appointment. The sleepless nights continued. I was able to get in to that office on Thursday of that week. The ultrasound revealed the lump was a solid mass and I was sent to have a mammogram and a biopsy was scheduled. I was freaked out! I knew a solid mass wasn’t good! As a side note, did you know women should have a baseline mammogram at the age of 35??? They hurt like a MOTHER, but are important!!!!
I had a needle biopsy on October 10th and 3 days later I went back for the results. My fears were confirmed when my doctor looked at me and told me the biopsy revealed cancer. I’m 35, have no family history of breast cancer, and I have breast cancer….WHAT?!?!? Remember, I don’t like to cry in public, but cry I DID! It’s the craziest thing to receive this news, and then the doctor starts laying out a plan. No one was with me for this appointment, so all I could think was, “I hope she’s planning to give me this stuff in writing because I’ve heard nothing past, ‘You have cancer.’” As much as you prepare yourself for getting this news (and I do believe God prepared my heart to receive this news), you are NOT prepared to have someone look at you and say, “You have cancer.” Those are 3 words NO ONE wants to hear! Because of my age, I’ve had to do some additional genetic testing to determine why someone as young as I am has cancer. At 35, I don’t consider myself to be young, but if the doctor says I’m young…I will take it & use it!
The genetic testing required DNA to be extracted, but for whatever reason they had no one working who could draw blood on the day of my appointment. I’ve watched enough CSI to know you can get DNA from a cotton swab to the cheek. All my CSI people know what I’m talking about, right?! Well, that is not how they plan to extract my DNA. I took 2 shots of Scope (yes, the mouthwash) and swished each in my mouth for 30 seconds and spit it in a tube. I have not one clue how they plan to get my DNA from that, but I had minty fresh breath when I left that doctor’s office!
So, I have cancer…what’s next? I have decided for me that the best option is a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction. While some think this is extreme for someone my age, I have weighed all options and feel this is the best choice for me. I mentioned I’m not patient, so I want to deal with it & never deal with it again! Based on other tests done during the biopsy, I will have to go through chemo. To what extent I have no idea…I’ll know more after surgery. I’ll be posting regular updates about my journey here. Please know that I plan to be as real and vulnerable as possible since this will be my outlet. My dad has always told us, “Attitude is everything.” I believe that, but I also believe laughter is the best medicine…and I LOVE to laugh…it’s my FAVORITE!!!! I plan to share those things that I find humorous because I’m sure there will be a lot of not so humorous moments I’ll be sharing, too.
Until next time…
Everyone tells you not to worry about something like finding a lump, but that is so much easier said than done! First of all, I’m not an extremely patient person…I hope God is not trying to teach me patience here cause this will be a long, bumpy ride! I didn’t like the fact that I had to wait until Monday morning to call to try to get in to see a doctor. They couldn’t see me until Friday. I waited almost a week for the first appointment. I didn’t sleep much that entire week. I hoped my appointment on that Friday would provide answers, but it didn’t. I was told that I would have to see a breast specialist. I attempted to call that afternoon only to find that office closes early on Friday and I would need to wait until Monday to try to schedule an appointment. The sleepless nights continued. I was able to get in to that office on Thursday of that week. The ultrasound revealed the lump was a solid mass and I was sent to have a mammogram and a biopsy was scheduled. I was freaked out! I knew a solid mass wasn’t good! As a side note, did you know women should have a baseline mammogram at the age of 35??? They hurt like a MOTHER, but are important!!!!
I had a needle biopsy on October 10th and 3 days later I went back for the results. My fears were confirmed when my doctor looked at me and told me the biopsy revealed cancer. I’m 35, have no family history of breast cancer, and I have breast cancer….WHAT?!?!? Remember, I don’t like to cry in public, but cry I DID! It’s the craziest thing to receive this news, and then the doctor starts laying out a plan. No one was with me for this appointment, so all I could think was, “I hope she’s planning to give me this stuff in writing because I’ve heard nothing past, ‘You have cancer.’” As much as you prepare yourself for getting this news (and I do believe God prepared my heart to receive this news), you are NOT prepared to have someone look at you and say, “You have cancer.” Those are 3 words NO ONE wants to hear! Because of my age, I’ve had to do some additional genetic testing to determine why someone as young as I am has cancer. At 35, I don’t consider myself to be young, but if the doctor says I’m young…I will take it & use it!
The genetic testing required DNA to be extracted, but for whatever reason they had no one working who could draw blood on the day of my appointment. I’ve watched enough CSI to know you can get DNA from a cotton swab to the cheek. All my CSI people know what I’m talking about, right?! Well, that is not how they plan to extract my DNA. I took 2 shots of Scope (yes, the mouthwash) and swished each in my mouth for 30 seconds and spit it in a tube. I have not one clue how they plan to get my DNA from that, but I had minty fresh breath when I left that doctor’s office!
So, I have cancer…what’s next? I have decided for me that the best option is a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction. While some think this is extreme for someone my age, I have weighed all options and feel this is the best choice for me. I mentioned I’m not patient, so I want to deal with it & never deal with it again! Based on other tests done during the biopsy, I will have to go through chemo. To what extent I have no idea…I’ll know more after surgery. I’ll be posting regular updates about my journey here. Please know that I plan to be as real and vulnerable as possible since this will be my outlet. My dad has always told us, “Attitude is everything.” I believe that, but I also believe laughter is the best medicine…and I LOVE to laugh…it’s my FAVORITE!!!! I plan to share those things that I find humorous because I’m sure there will be a lot of not so humorous moments I’ll be sharing, too.
Until next time…
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Eat~Pray~Love
I, like many other women, was looking forward to the release of "Eat Pray Love" in movie theaters.
I had bought the book at the beginning of summer with the intent to read the book by the time the movie was released. As the days passed, I wasn't getting very far in my reading. I just couldn't get into the book.
Finally, the movie release date was here, and I had not finished the book. I really wanted to see the movie, and I thought seeing the movie would make me want to finish the book. Although, I hadn't made it past the eating part of the book. My thought process was, "I love to Eat, I Pray, and who doesn't love Love?!"
Probably not the most logical thought process for spending $10.50 and giving up 2+ hours of my life that I'll never get back, but I'm not always the most logical girl in the world!
I was all fine through Italy, but our stay there could have been cut a little short because the storyline was losing me. By the time we got to India and Pray, I was fidgeting in my seat to keep from falling asleep. I kept telling myself to hang on for Indonesia and Love because it would get better...I was WRONG! Now, her love interest was not too bad on the eyes, but it just lacked so much in the way of a compelling story.
I left the theater, after I lost $10.50 and over 2 hours of my life, convinced that this would be a book I would never finish.
I had bought the book at the beginning of summer with the intent to read the book by the time the movie was released. As the days passed, I wasn't getting very far in my reading. I just couldn't get into the book.
Finally, the movie release date was here, and I had not finished the book. I really wanted to see the movie, and I thought seeing the movie would make me want to finish the book. Although, I hadn't made it past the eating part of the book. My thought process was, "I love to Eat, I Pray, and who doesn't love Love?!"
Probably not the most logical thought process for spending $10.50 and giving up 2+ hours of my life that I'll never get back, but I'm not always the most logical girl in the world!
I was all fine through Italy, but our stay there could have been cut a little short because the storyline was losing me. By the time we got to India and Pray, I was fidgeting in my seat to keep from falling asleep. I kept telling myself to hang on for Indonesia and Love because it would get better...I was WRONG! Now, her love interest was not too bad on the eyes, but it just lacked so much in the way of a compelling story.
I left the theater, after I lost $10.50 and over 2 hours of my life, convinced that this would be a book I would never finish.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
The best of intentions...
Well, the second week with Jillian didn't turn out so great! I wish I were one of those people who worked out even when I'm sick, but I'm not! I have been sick all week, so Jillian has been put on the back burner. I wonder if I can deduct these days off from the 30 day challenge? Surely they shouldn't count! I plan on getting back on The Shred wagon this week...I hope I'm ready to embrace the torture again!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Temporary Lapse of Sanity
I've put on a few extra pounds recently. While most of the weight gain is due to a thyroid disorder, some isn't. In an effort to get my body back to the way it was...or even better, I've been trying every exercise and workout plan imaginable. SO, when I see a DVD that reads, "Lose up to 2o lbs in 30 days," how could I pass that offer up?!?! Especially when it's only a 2o minute workout for $10 at my local Target! What is this amazing workout you ask??? Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred! It must have been a temporary lapse of sanity that landed that DVD into my basket, onto the checkout conveyor, and then in a bag to come home with me! Jillian Michaels...the killer trainer from Biggest Loser...she scares me when I watch her yell at other people! Now, I've invited her into my home to become my personal trainer...WHAT was I thinking?!?!?!
If you think she won't yell at you because it's a DVD...WRONG!!!!! It's been 3 days and I can't feel my legs! I almost fell down the stairs this morning because I had picked my leg up as high as I could, but it still wasn't quite high enough. I thought I was a pretty fit person until I got this workout! Tears flowed...I can't lie!!!! My body better look transformed by the end of this 3o days...I'm just sayin!
I'll be blogging about my journey with Jillian, and if you're looking for a challenging workout...get this DVD and join me!!!!!
If you think she won't yell at you because it's a DVD...WRONG!!!!! It's been 3 days and I can't feel my legs! I almost fell down the stairs this morning because I had picked my leg up as high as I could, but it still wasn't quite high enough. I thought I was a pretty fit person until I got this workout! Tears flowed...I can't lie!!!! My body better look transformed by the end of this 3o days...I'm just sayin!
I'll be blogging about my journey with Jillian, and if you're looking for a challenging workout...get this DVD and join me!!!!!
Saturday, December 12, 2009
I'll Be Home for Christmas
I was thinking today about the song, "I'll Be Home for Christmas." When I moved away from home to attend college and later to relocate to Atlanta this song became one of my favorites. I connected it with going home to that familiar place that I called home. It was a combination of the people and the place. For some reason, I always expected home to be a constant. I don't know why because when you grow-up as a PK (Preacher's Kid), you know changes and moves are inevitable. When my parents moved to south Florida in 2002, home changed for me. That same year my sister and brother-in-law relocated to Atlanta and, bonus for me, they were expecting my first niece. Kids change things and this one definitely changed Christmas for us. My sister would now become the Christmas hostess. I lost a little love for the song during this time because I thought, "I have no home to go home to for Christmas."
We had begun new traditions with the first niece 7 years ago. Then 4 years ago we began even more new traditions with the addition of another niece. My sister had taken on the tradition that my parents had of us inviting the entire family to spend Christmas with us. This wasn't just Christmas Day...it extended to days leading up to and following. That's a lot of family in 1 house!!!!
As I was beginning to settle into the idea of our new traditions, things changed again. My brother-in-law accepted a job in frigid Indiana the beginning of this year, so this meant our Christmas traditions would change again. Now, I will be travelling to Indiana for Christmas.
Even though there have been so many changes, I've rekindled my love for "I'll Be Home for Christmas." Home for me is family. We may be celebrating in a different place this year, but it's the faces of those that I'll be celebrating with that are home for me. I couldn't imagine not spending Christmas with my family. I've been passing down my Christmas traditions to my nieces. The best of all is getting up at 6 to open presents. I try to be kind to adults by getting up earlier to have the coffee made and ready to go...hoping they won't hate me for passing down this tradition, but this is what being home for Christmas means to me.
We had begun new traditions with the first niece 7 years ago. Then 4 years ago we began even more new traditions with the addition of another niece. My sister had taken on the tradition that my parents had of us inviting the entire family to spend Christmas with us. This wasn't just Christmas Day...it extended to days leading up to and following. That's a lot of family in 1 house!!!!
As I was beginning to settle into the idea of our new traditions, things changed again. My brother-in-law accepted a job in frigid Indiana the beginning of this year, so this meant our Christmas traditions would change again. Now, I will be travelling to Indiana for Christmas.
Even though there have been so many changes, I've rekindled my love for "I'll Be Home for Christmas." Home for me is family. We may be celebrating in a different place this year, but it's the faces of those that I'll be celebrating with that are home for me. I couldn't imagine not spending Christmas with my family. I've been passing down my Christmas traditions to my nieces. The best of all is getting up at 6 to open presents. I try to be kind to adults by getting up earlier to have the coffee made and ready to go...hoping they won't hate me for passing down this tradition, but this is what being home for Christmas means to me.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Refine Me
Proverbs 27:21 "The crucible is for silver and the furnace for gold, and each is tested by the praise accorded him."
Proverbs 17:3 "The refining pot is for silver and the furnace for gold, but the Lord tests hearts."
Refining is the purification process of a substance or form. During the refining process of metals, like gold or silver, heat is used to release the dross (impurities). The purifier will skim these impurities off the top of the pot. The refining process is complete when the refiner looks into the pot and sees his reflection. The final product is identical to the original form.
Trials are the refining process God uses to remove impurities in our lives and make us more like Him. James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of you faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." I don't know about you, but I've never been in the midst of a trial and thought, "This is GREAT!!!!!" We usually don't view these trials as joyful experiences when we are going through them, but we have to remember that God promises to work all things for good (Romans 8:28). Malachi 3:3 says, "He will sit as a smelter and purifier of silver, and He will purify the sons of Levi and refine them like gold and silver, so that they may present to the Lord offerings in righteousness." In the refining process of gold and silver, the fire has to reach a certain temperature to release the impurities. However, if the temperature is one degree higher it can damage the metal, so the purifier sits with the fire. God doesn't leave us in the middle of a trial because His ultimate goal with trials isn't to destroy us, but to strengthen us and deepen our faith in Him.
The more pure the gold or silver, the more it is worth. We are worthy & valuable to God, and He uses this refining process to show us how much values us. I've experienced trials in my own life and I haven't enjoyed them when going through them, but I have experienced the benefits that can come from them. THAT gives me hope to endure my current trial! It explains why David prayed in Psalm 26:2, "Examine me, O Lord, and try me; test my mind and heart."
I have adopted the song, Refine Me, by Jennifer Knapp as my prayer to God. The lyrics are:
Proverbs 17:3 "The refining pot is for silver and the furnace for gold, but the Lord tests hearts."
Refining is the purification process of a substance or form. During the refining process of metals, like gold or silver, heat is used to release the dross (impurities). The purifier will skim these impurities off the top of the pot. The refining process is complete when the refiner looks into the pot and sees his reflection. The final product is identical to the original form.
Trials are the refining process God uses to remove impurities in our lives and make us more like Him. James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of you faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." I don't know about you, but I've never been in the midst of a trial and thought, "This is GREAT!!!!!" We usually don't view these trials as joyful experiences when we are going through them, but we have to remember that God promises to work all things for good (Romans 8:28). Malachi 3:3 says, "He will sit as a smelter and purifier of silver, and He will purify the sons of Levi and refine them like gold and silver, so that they may present to the Lord offerings in righteousness." In the refining process of gold and silver, the fire has to reach a certain temperature to release the impurities. However, if the temperature is one degree higher it can damage the metal, so the purifier sits with the fire. God doesn't leave us in the middle of a trial because His ultimate goal with trials isn't to destroy us, but to strengthen us and deepen our faith in Him.
The more pure the gold or silver, the more it is worth. We are worthy & valuable to God, and He uses this refining process to show us how much values us. I've experienced trials in my own life and I haven't enjoyed them when going through them, but I have experienced the benefits that can come from them. THAT gives me hope to endure my current trial! It explains why David prayed in Psalm 26:2, "Examine me, O Lord, and try me; test my mind and heart."
I have adopted the song, Refine Me, by Jennifer Knapp as my prayer to God. The lyrics are:
I come into this place
Burning to receive your peace
I come with my own chains
From wars I've fought for my own selfish gain
You're my God and my Father
I've accepted Your Son
But my soul feels so empty now
What have I become?
Lord, come with Your fire
Burn my desires; refine me
Lord, my will has deceived me
Please come and free me
Refine me
My heart can't see
When I only look at me
My soul can't hear
When I only think of my own fears
They are gone in a moment
You're forever the same
Why did I look away from You
How can I speak Your name
Lord, come with Your fire
Burn my desires; refine me
Lord, my will has deceived me
Please come and free me
Come rescue this child
For I long to be reconciled to You
It's all I can do
To give my heart and soul to You
And pray, and pray, oh I will pray
Lord, come with Your fire
Burn my desires; refine me
Lord, my will has deceived me
Please come and free me
Come rescue this child
For I long to be reconciled to You
Refine Me, Refine Me
Refine Me
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