tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8849030199625791702024-03-13T14:53:28.294-04:00Just a girl in the world...and her random thoughtsAngelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00291229560802485693noreply@blogger.comBlogger44125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-884903019962579170.post-75206676093432274802013-12-30T20:03:00.000-05:002013-12-30T20:03:15.294-05:00How Big Is Your Brave?<div>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">This post has been one that I've been working on for over two months. I've never had a post that took this long to write, but looking back I can see that it has all been part of God's plan. This post wouldn't have been complete if I had posted it two months ago.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">This fall I participated in a Bible study about Gideon. During the course of the study, I began really thinking about courage. Courage is defined as the mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty.</span></div>
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<i style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." ~ John Wayne </i></div>
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Most days I don't think of myself as courageous. If I'm honest, most days I feel like the Cowardly Lion from <i>The Wizard of Oz. </i>When we meet the lion along the yellow brick road he's scared of his own tail. He tries to act tough, but when he's challenged he proves he's not as tough as he wants everyone to believe. He tells the others, "I'm afraid there's no denying I'm just a dandelion. A fate I don't deserve. I'm sure I could show my prowess. Be a lion not a mouse, if I only had the nerve." He is soon tagging along to The Emerald City to ask the good, old wizard for some courage. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Courage and bravery are synonymous. If any of you are like me, you probably don't think you have the opportunity to be brave very often. Over the last few months I've explored what it looks like to be brave in everyday life. Brave may be saying something that needs to be said, even if the words are hard to say. Bravery may be walking away from relationships or situations that may not be healthy for you. It may be a single act of obedience to something God has called you to do. For some, bravery may be asking for help when you've reached a state of hopelessness. For others, it could be choosing to fight a battle although you may be a battle weary soldier. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Over the course of the two months since I began working on this post, I have experienced all those scenarios I've just listed. When I initially began writing this, I had no idea what was about to transpire in my life. You see, I began writing this post the beginning of October after I found myself in a severe state of depression. I had never been in such a dark place. I knew God was with me and I would literally cry out to Him to remove this darkness from me. I know a lot of people think that the darkness was gone just as quickly as I prayed the prayer, but it wasn't. Through the darkness, God spoke to me and told me to seek help. I have a great team of doctors and after two plus years with them they know me and I can pretty much say anything to them. I talked it over with the first doctor on my rotation of appointments and we were able to get me back on the anti-depressants my oncologist had prescribed me last year after my second diagnosis. Most people don't realize this, but it takes about 2 weeks for anti-depressants to get into your system and begin doing the work they are intended to do. My purpose in sharing this, is so you can follow God's hand in every detail. I had a PET scan the following week and received my results the next week (2 weeks after I began the anti-depressant). The scan revealed that I have a small tumor in my right chest wall. On October 28th I was diagnosed with breast cancer for the third time in three years. I am a battle weary soldier, but I am choosing to fight this disease with everything within me! My motto this go round is, "Third Time's the Charm!" As tired as I am of the fight, God continues to remind me that when I am weak He is strong. I do wonder why I received a cancer diagnosis...AGAIN! To be honest, I don't really know how I'm supposed to respond to a third cancer diagnosis in three years. Cancer is a big unknown for me...for everyone really. I focus on what I do know, and that is what gives me courage to fight this battle! </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">What do I know? I know that God promises to work all things for my good and His ultimate glory (Romans 8:28). The Lord will fight for me (Exodus 14:14). God is with me always (Isaiah 43:2-3). God has a plan for my life (Jeremiah 29:11).</span></div>
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<i style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">"God is using your present circumstances to make you more useful for later roles in His unfolding story." ~ Louie Giglio</i></div>
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<i style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">"You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you." ~ Mary Tyler Moore''</i></div>
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<i style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">"Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny." ~ C.S. Lewis</i></div>
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Remember what The Wizard said to the Cowardly Lion when he gave him is badge of courage? He said, "You, my friend, are a victim of disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate impression that just because you run away you have no courage. You're confusing courage with wisdom." This is key to the other two scenarios I listed above. You don't walk away from situations or relationships because you lack courage, you walk away because it is the wise thing to do. God gives us wisdom when we ask for it, and it's up to us if we choose to follow through. He gives us wisdom to know what we need to confront head on and those that we need to just let slide right on by us. This isn't always an easy task, but I do know that God gives you the courage you need to handle anything He sets before you. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">The interesting thing about the ending of The Wizard of Oz to me is that The Wizard only reassured each of them of something they all had possessed all along. As Christians we are in possession of the courage we need through Christ. If we remember this we can say what the Cowardly Lion said after receiving his medal, "Read what my medal says: 'Courage': Ain't it the truth? Ain't it the truth?"</span></div>
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<i style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Joshua 1:9 "Be strong and courageous for The Lord will be with you always."</i></div>
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">As I continue to fight against my inward Cowardly Lion, I want to encourage you to do the same. Remember, God is with you always. He never leaves you. He doesn't turn His back on you. All you have to do is mention His name. I wanted to close with this quote from Winnie the Pooh that is a great reminder for me daily to be brave. I hope it is for you, as well.</span></div>
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<i style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">"Promise me you will always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, & smarter than you think.' ~ Christopher Robin</i></div>
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Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00291229560802485693noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-884903019962579170.post-40102817718938401542013-08-31T12:34:00.002-04:002013-08-31T12:34:59.400-04:00Remembering
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">For those of you who follow this blog or know my cancer
journey, you are aware that I had discovered a lump and some cysts during the
last week of August last year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t
know why, but I was thinking about that time this week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s amazing what you remember!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had gone out of town that weekend to spend
time with my family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Since we were
praying that it was only an infection and we didn’t want to cause unnecessary
anxiety for my nieces or other family members we didn’t discuss the
possibilities or really the situation much that weekend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I left my family last Labor Day to make
the 2 hour drive home, I remember spending a good portion of that drive talking
to God.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of the biggest things I kept
saying to God was that I couldn’t handle another cancer diagnosis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t just stop at that, I went on to tell
Him the reasons why: I was tired, I didn’t have the strength for another battle,
I would have to miss days of work…again, I couldn’t do it by myself, and the
list went on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They were all reasons that
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I </b>couldn’t do it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, we all know how that ended for me!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">It isn’t always easy to remember, but it is beneficial.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you look at scripture, God is always
calling His people to remembrance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was
reminded of the passage from Joshua 4 when the Israelites crossed over the <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:country-region w:st="on">Jordan</st1:country-region></st1:place>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God had instructed Joshua to stack 12 stones
from the <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:country-region w:st="on">Jordan</st1:country-region></st1:place>
as a memorial.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In verses 21-24 Joshua
explained the purpose of those stones.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The purpose was to be a symbol of remembrance that God had allowed them
to cross the <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:country-region w:st="on">Jordan</st1:country-region></st1:place>
on dry land.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We may not have tangible
stones of remembrance, but I believe God allows us to remember things so we can
see clearly what He has done for us.</span><br />
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As I thought about it this week, I took a moment to step
back and look at the year from beginning to end.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s amazing what God can do when we trust
Him and stop focusing on our own weaknesses and insecurities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The truth was that I didn’t have strength for
another battle, but God had the strength to carry me through that battle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did miss work, and eventually lost my
job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Losing my job was a crushing blow
because it was a big part of how I identified myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God was using the past two years to position
me for a different calling and I wouldn’t have been open to it had I not been
in a position where that identity was stripped from me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had my income reduced, and expenses
increased; but God has provided for every need.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>While there were lonely times, I was never alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
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While remembering can sometimes be painful, it’s always
necessary to keep us moving forward.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When
we remember clearly how God carried us through a difficult situation or time in
our lives, it is a lot easier for us to trust Him to do the same the next time
we face difficulties.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00291229560802485693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-884903019962579170.post-77017260789227459352013-07-01T20:58:00.000-04:002013-07-01T20:58:07.269-04:00The Journey Continues<br />
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I realize that I haven't been as faithful posting during this second journey, and I do apologize for being a little neglectful. This second battle has been a little more difficult for me to share openly in this forum because it has been more emotional and mental. After being diagnosed and September and beginning chemo, I was told that I wouldn't be able to work as I had during my last round of chemo. This was not a decision made by my doctor, but by the company with whom I was employed. It is hard enough to hear you have cancer twice within a year, but having parts of your "normal" life taken away from you can pack a pretty heavy blow. I sunk into a severe state of depression. Thankfully, my oncologist had already put me on an anti-depressant. It wasn't until I had taken myself off that medication during this time that I realized how severe my depression was, and that I really did need something to help me cope. Since I couldn't spend all my time in my apartment and doctors' offices, I devised a plan to get myself out of the house for at least one hour a day. This definitely helped! Eventually, I fell into a rhythm and felt a little more like myself.</div>
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As I stated in a previous blog post, during the course of my treatment my short-term disability ended and I was approved for long-term disability. Per my company, I could not be an employee and be on long-term disability, so my employment was terminated on March 11th. This was one week before my final chemo treatment. This decision was very difficult for me. I felt a lot of different emotions, and most of them were not pleasant. I do believe God allows everything to happen for a reason, and I am convinced this is no exception!</div>
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It's now the beginning of July and so much has taken place. I had surgery on April 25th to remove all traces of the cancer. Thankfully, all pathology reports came back clear. We initially thought I would have to have a skin graft, but I have an AMAZING plastic surgeon who worked some serious magic to ensure that wasn't the case! I really recovered much better and faster than we had expected; so I was able to begin radiation a little sooner than expected. As of today, I have completed 28 of 33 radiation treatments. I started to experience some skin irritation from the radiation during the last 10 treatments. My underarm on the right side looks like someone has punched me! I like to say it is what Smurfette would look like if she were to spend a little too much time in the sun without smurftastic sunscreen. The skin on my chest feels a little scaly. I liken it to a dragon's skin. Not that I know what a dragon's skin feels like, but I have a wild imagination; so work with me here! I lather it up with coconut oil and all sorts of other lotions and ointments. They say it could look this way for a while or maybe forever...these are not things that I want to hear! If it does stay this way, I guess I'll just figure out a way to make it work!</div>
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Since I had everything removed in April, I had to get a prosthetic. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't at all what I expected. To be really honest, I absolutely despise the prosthetic! It is really heavy! Eventhough the weight doesn't calculate on the scale, it feels heavy when I wear it. I was really shocked by the lack of selection for the post-mastectomy bras! They are definitely not designed with younger women in mind. I laughed when the fitter showed me a bra and told me it was comparable to Victoria's Secret. Clearly, she has never been in Victoria's Secret! Since it's summer, and I wear a lot of sundresses and sleeveless tops I wanted a strapless bra. I knew I was in trouble when she said they only sold about 10 per year. It had to be ordered, so I'm faking it til I make it! I think I actually prefer the faking it becasue it doesn't cause strain on my back and neck or have to be readjusted to look similar to the other side! I'm telling you, I have to plan extra time when getting ready to be sure I allow enough time to make sure the prosthetic will line up right! Some days it just takes longer than others! At first, I thought I wouldn't have another reconstruction surgery, but after one day of dealing with the prosthetic that thought went straight out the window! I do have to deal with the prosthetic a little while longer since we will need to jump a few more hurdles before I can have the reconstruction surgery.</div>
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Once I finish radiation, I will begin taking Tamoxifen (a chemo drug taken daily). This will become part of my daily routine for the rest of my life. I will also have another PET scan this month. It's been 6 months since my last scan. That scan was clear, but I am really nervous about this next scan. I think these tests make every cancer patient/survivor a little anxious; however, I know one reason for my anxiety is my history, and how quickly the cancer returned last year. As long as things on my scan look good, I will then plan to move forward with the surgery I cancelled last year to have my ovaries removed. In the middle of all the medical junk, I am moving forward with next steps for me after this is all over. Those next steps are a little scary, but exciting at the same time. Over the next several weeks, you may notice some changes to this site as I prepare for some of those steps. I will share more here as things begin to take shape a little more. Until then you can pray that God will show me the direction in which He wants me to go and continue to make clear the open doors He wants me to walk through.</div>
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Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00291229560802485693noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-884903019962579170.post-38722171705245297052013-04-16T10:59:00.000-04:002013-04-16T10:59:01.703-04:00Are You Anxious???Over the past month I've been thinking about anxiety. After the bombing incident at the Boston Marathon yesterday I feel compelled to share my thoughts.<br />
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I've experienced a great deal of anxiety in the past several months, but even more the past month. In the last month, I've lost my job and am drawing disability. I've had to figure out how I would live on about 60% of my salary. In addition to my normal living expenses, I now had to pay COBRA and I still have doctor/hospital bills to pay. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to remain in my apartment. If I were to move, the timing would coincide with the start of my radiation therapy. I would still be recovering from surgery, so I wouldn't really be able to pack/unpack. Since I felt the need to have a plan prior to surgery, the plan took over my entire thought life. When something is a constant thought running on a loop in our mind, it tends to build up the anxiety we feel. <br />
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After watching news coverage of the Boston Marathon incident, I was reminded how the news media can spur anxious thoughts among us. I don't make a habit of watching the news all the time. It's not that I don't want to be informed, but I think sometimes we are over informed. Just in my lifetime we have gone from news in the morning, noon, 6PM and 11PM to 24/7 news coverage. I know people who watch news 24/7, and they are anxious people. They dwell on some portion of a news story or commentary until it becomes so amplified in their minds, it is all they can think or talk about. I'm not saying that all news is bad, but like anything it needs to be in moderation. Life without all this news is stressful enough, so why add to it?!?! We can't live our life in fear of the what-ifs.<br />
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Within the last few days, I've been able to figure out a plan for myself. It's one that involves no major changes for me right now. God has been faithful to provide for every need, and this current dilemma would be no exception. Once I settled in on that thought and place my living circumstance in God's hands, I began to feel a peace. The anxiety is gone. This morning as I read Facebook posts and tweets and watched the morning news it was obvious to me that there is a lot of anxiety surrounding yesterday's events. God brought this verse to mind this morning, "When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy." (Psalm 94:19) So very true!<br />
Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00291229560802485693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-884903019962579170.post-40726093482339554132013-03-12T12:02:00.003-04:002013-03-12T12:02:45.547-04:00It's been a while, but here's the latest<br />
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This will be a bit lengthy, but I wanted to give everyone an update. I have one more chemo treatment to go. These chemo treatments have taken a toll on my body, affecting my red blood cell counts & causing anemia. This means my energy levels are low, which leads to me not being able to maintain the pace of my "normal" pre-chemo life. Since my latest diagnosis in September I have been on short term disability, and have not been working. My short term disability was scheduled to end on 3/11, so a decision had to be made as to whether I apply for long term disability or return to full time work. Since I still have a good portion of this battle ahead of me, my doctor felt I should apply for long term disability to get me through this last leg of the journey. Thankfully, I was approved! I'm so thankful to have that coverage! There were a few downsides to the approval of the long term disability: 1) My pay would only be a portion of what I normally bring home. 2) My employment was terminated because I had exhausted my short term disability leave benefit and was not able to return to work and perform my job duties. I applied for long term disability leave benefits and was approved. I could not be an employee and receive disability. 3) I would now have to pay for COBRA since I can't get insured on my own for other medical needs outside of the cancer. I do have coverage on all cancer related items for 1 year...PRAISE GOD! </div>
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It was very hard to end my time with my company. I had been there since graduating college, almost 15 years ago. However, I know that God has a plan and a purpose for everything! He has proven Himself faithful in meeting all my needs. I still have a major surgery ahead of me and radiation. I'm going to take this time I have to focus on getting 100% well, so I can be ready for whatever the next step is that God has for me. Things happen in our lives and sometimes they don't make sense or they are hard to understand, but we each HAVE A CHOICE in how we deal with them...we can let them make us bitter or better! I choose BETTER!!!!</div>
Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00291229560802485693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-884903019962579170.post-55264393272974475402012-10-14T19:54:00.002-04:002012-10-14T19:54:34.790-04:00September is Preparedness Month...Prepare and PlanThis message was displayed on the Georgia DOT signs on the interstates. It caught my eye, and sort of stuck with me! We can always make plans for how we think things should go; but sometimes those plans are blown to pieces and you are left standing looking at your plan scattered all around you.<br />
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I had finished my chemo treatments on May 3rd. I took a little vacation to regroup, and came back with a plan of action. I would have my port removed one month after completing treatment and follow that with reconstructive surgery to exchange the tissue expanders for the actual implants. That was all completed in June. By July I had scheduled the final surgery I knew I had to have done (removal of my ovaries). That surgery was scheduled for September. My plan was that by October any cancer conversations would be past tensed. <br />
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I would love to say that my plan came off without a hitch, but I can’t. The last week of August I discovered a lump in my right breast (yes, the same breast where the initial cancer had been found). In addition to the lump under the skin, I had several cyst-like bumps on the outer portion of the skin. I called my oncologist immediately, and was instructed to see my plastic surgeon to ensure it wasn’t an issue with the implants. I was able to get in to see him the next day, and it was determined that it was not my implants. My plastic surgeon called my breast surgeon and got me on her schedule that morning. I left his office and went straight to hers. After 3 ultrasounds, it was determined that the cysts were fluid filled and she believed them to be an infection. She put me on a strong antibiotic for 10 days, but scheduled a biopsy for the following Friday in case they didn’t clear up on the antibiotic. Well, 10 days came and went and there was no change in the cysts or the lump. On September 7th, I had 3 biopsies done. I was trying not to worry about it, but that isn’t so easy. I had a long heart to heart with God about it because my opinion is that He already knows what you’re thinking and feeling, so why not just go on and express it. I told God that I didn’t think I had it in me to do chemo again. I had a peace. Somewhere in the time that I saw the doctors the first time and getting the results of the biopsies, I saw a message on the Georgia DOT sign that I hadn’t seen before or since. It read, “September is preparedness month. Prepare and plan for the unexpected.” Well, I wish I had paid a little more attention to those last six words!<br />
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I received a call the evening of September 11th with the results of the biopsies…I had cancer…<strong>AGAIN</strong>! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! The next morning I went to see my oncologist where the news went from bad to worse. She told me that once cancer manifests itself on the skin, as mine had, it was considered Stage 4 and there would be little chance of beating it. She then told me that if it had spread, which chances were pretty good that it had, it definitely wouldn’t be a beatable cancer. She said that there were exceptions to the rule, and my theory was that nothing about this process for me had been normal so why start now! She then referred me to The Mayo Clinic. They had a clinical trial available for women who were BRCA positive and had recurrent breast cancer. She made me think that this was my only hope of survival. I left that appointment feeling like I had been handed a death sentence, but I was refusing to go down without a fight!!!! I’m <strong>NOT</strong> a statistic! I WILL be the exception to her logical rules!<br />
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One year to the day (September 17th) that I discovered the initial lump, I was seeing an oncologist at The Mayo Clinic. He wanted me to have all the scans done there for him to review, but he offered a little more hope than my oncologist. In addition, he determined a clinical trial would not be the best option for me. I knew this was God saying this wasn’t what He wanted for me when the clinical trial was closed. It took a few days to get the tests scheduled. They split the scans up over Thursday and Friday of that week and I would get all my results on Friday afternoon when I went back to meet with my Mayo Clinic oncologist. I think we were all nervous going into this appointment. We had no idea what we were facing, but our prayer had been that the cancer was contained. Once we were in the room with the doctor, he gave me the best news I had heard this far on the journey…the cancer had not spread beyond this one area. However, it had gone into the chest wall (including the back muscle transplanted last year) and only one lymph node. This was good news because it meant this was beatable! He called my oncologist here in Atlanta and discussed the treatment plan, so I could return home to begin treatments.<br />
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While my initial cancer diagnosis was triple negative (meaning not a hormone fed cancer), this cancer is estrogen fed. This opened up some additional treatment options for me, which are all very positive! I have been home for 3 weeks now and have completed my first treatment, and will have my second treatment on Tuesday. Thankfully, the drugs I’m receiving this go round do not make me sick <strong>AND</strong> I will get to keep the hair that has started coming back! I’m unsure of the number of treatments I’ll receive, which makes this process very interesting…and very difficult for me to plan out my course of action. Clearly, I need to stop trying to prepare and plan! <br />
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It doesn’t matter how much we prepare and plan for the unexpected because none of us can ever be fully prepared for it! This was earth shaking for me, but not earth shattering because I know that God is in control and He has a plan. I’m convinced that this isn’t the ending to my story…God has a bigger plan in motion here and all I need to do is trust Him! Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00291229560802485693noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-884903019962579170.post-16791819029650275912012-05-02T22:52:00.002-04:002012-05-02T22:52:35.324-04:00One More to Go!!!!I’m just going to jump right in on this update.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
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I’m not really sure why, but they were trying to freeze us
out at the last treatment!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were
freezing! I had my heated blanket and was still cold!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I decided coffee was what I needed, so Ashlee
fixed me a cup.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This coffee is HOT, and
I’m not so much a fan of a burnt tongue. SO, I decided I would hold the coffee
until it was cool enough for me to drink because that would at least keep my
hands warm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By this time my Benadryl had
started to kick in and I started to drift off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You know your head will jerk when you fall asleep sitting up?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, my hands started to relax similar to
that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Suddenly, I heard Ashlee say, “Angela,
put your coffee down before you spill hot coffee all over yourself!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She looks after me really well, and I don’t
know what I would do without her!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After
I finished getting my drug, I awoke to find my chemo nurse and another nurse
talking about me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My nurse came over to
me and asked if I would mind talking to another patient who was getting her
first treatment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her treatment plan is
the same as mine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After talking with
her, it turns out we have more in common that just our treatment plan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is also triple negative and BRCA1.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She hasn’t had surgery yet, but is planning
to go the same route I did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We exchanged
information, and we have been communicating since.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My desire has been that God would use my
experience and what I’ve gone through to help others and to point others to
Him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m thrilled that He is giving me
opportunities to do just that!</div>
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If there were one word I could use to sum up this day, it
would be <strong>OVERWHELMED</strong>!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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I woke up this morning and had a massive to do list in my
head of all the things I needed to complete today before having treatment
tomorrow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know how I got so
behind on my pre-chemo checklist, but it happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m convinced it has to do with the change in
days from Tuesday to Thursday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was
able to slowly check things off my list, and it’s all going to get done before
11PM!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Miracles never cease!!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In addition to the checklist, I was feeling a
little overwhelmed by trying to figure out exactly what I want or need to ask
my oncologist tomorrow for my post chemo life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I think I just want to be sure to ask anything and everything possible,
but it’s not like I’m done with my oncologist after tomorrow…she’s stuck with
me now!</div>
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Aside from feeling overwhelmed by my crazy to do list, I’ve
been overwhelmed with emotion today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
co-workers surprised me today with a last chemo celebration.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve been so overwhelmed by their love,
support, and encouragement through this entire journey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I started crying and that was all she
wrote!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So many people brought
cards.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I took some time this evening to
read them, and tears flowed AGAIN!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I
read the cards, so many referenced my attitude, my strength, and how I’ve
walked this journey with grace.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did
choose to keep a positive outlook, but that’s been hard at times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My strength and walking with grace is ALL
God!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve been clinging to this verse, “For
I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, ‘Do
not fear; I will help you.’” (Isaiah 41:13) </div>
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I can’t believe it’s the night before my <strong><u>LAST</u></strong> chemo
treatment!!!! I know it sounds crazy, but it feels like the time passed quickly
and slowly all at the same time. I know that this isn’t the end to my journey;
nor is it the end of God using this experience to help others.</div>
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I know that last sentence sounded like it was the end of me sharing my story here, but it's not...</div>Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00291229560802485693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-884903019962579170.post-58561806762846887512012-04-18T22:29:00.000-04:002012-04-18T22:29:51.751-04:00Maybe His Blessings Come Through RaindropsI realize that I've been slacking a little on these updates. It's not because there isn't much going on, but more a lack of energy & motivation on my part. Starting with the 5th treatment, my chemo drug changed. While my first 4 treatments were Cytoxan and Adriamycin, my last 4 treatments are the drug Taxol. I was really excited about the change in drug because my doctor had told me it usually didn't make patients sick. To me, there is no feeling worse than that of nausea. In addition to being free of nausea, I was going to be free of the day after shot that boosted my white blood cell count.<br />
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The new drug can cause allergic reactions, so they try to prevent them ahead of time. My part is to take steroids prior to my appointment. Their part is to give me Benadryl prior to the drug on treatment day. This means that I sleep through the majority of the treatment time. While I would be free of nausea, I wouldn't be free of side effects. This new drug offers the lovely side effect of bone pain. When I heard bone pain, I thought a few aches & pains; but that is an understatement! I felt fine the day after treatment #5. I woke up with the intent to go in to work on Thursday (2 days after treatment). I was a little achy in my legs that day, but really thought it could be managed with ibuprofen...it could not. I did go to work and took ibuprofen all day. I realized on Friday that my eagerness to go in to work on Thursday was probably not the most intelligent decision I've made. It was my decision to go in and not an expectation. I couldn't ask for a better place to work during this journey!!! They have been so great to work with me and are flexible with me to allow me to get well. The great thing is that I know they really mean it when they tell me they want getting well to be my first priority. I know this is a big part of why I've done so well with these treatments.<br />
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I spent that weekend taking pain meds around the clock, and felt so much better by Monday. The off week of chemo was one of the best weeks I've had since beginning chemo. I had plenty of energy and felt good! When I got to chemo #6, I was shocked to learn that my white blood cell counts were not high enough for me to receive treatment that day. I have been planning for my final chemo treatment to be May 1st. I am planning to take a little trip to regroup after my final treatment. In addition to my trip, I planned to have my reconstruction surgery mid-June (my levels have to return to normal counts & it usually takes about 1 1/2 months). While I realize some may think the reconstruction surgery isn't a big deal and could wait, it is important to me. I want to be able to enjoy my summer, which means me in a swimsuit. I wouldn't feel comfortable in a swimsuit in my current condition because chances are I wouldn't be able to wear a top without prosthetics and may not be able to find one to work at all. I can manage to make myself look normal in regular clothes, but a swimsuit is an entirely different matter! <br />
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So, when they told me no treatment that day it meant all of my plans after chemo would be affected. My oncology staff knew my plans and wanted to work with me to keep me close to my initial end date. I started throwing out ideas of my own thinking we could come up with something! After throwing out a bunch of options, we finally decided on a plan. However, this plan required approval from my insurance company. We sat in the room waiting on that approval for about an hour. I won't lie, I was disappointed. I couldn't believe I had come this far to be hit with this challenge. I really struggled with being disappointed and discouraged about this minor setback because I know I have had a much easier time with chemo than some people. I'm so glad Ashlee is my chemo buddy for moments like these because she has no problem telling me exactly what I need to hear, which was that it was OK for me to feel that way! We FINALLY got insurance approval (Thank God for GREAT insurance)! <br />
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Now that we had the approval, we discussed the plan. I would get up to 3 injections during the week to boost my white blood cell count. These shots force the bones to create bone marrow, and they cause bone pain. I got the 1st injection on Tuesday and went back on Wednesday for injection 2. We were going to attempt chemo again on Thursday. Since Ashlee couldn't make theThursday appointment, I found a new chemo buddy for the day. Once they got my bloodwork back, my levels were still not high enough for treatment. My #1 infection fighter had been a big fat goose egg on Tuesday and was only at .5 on Thursday. They gave me injection #3, and set me up on the schedule for chemo on Friday. By the time I got up Friday, I was already feeling the bone pain from the injections. I took a pain pill & was ready to go when my chemo buddy for that day came to get me. I'm so thankful for friends who are available & willing to help when things don't go as planned. When we got the bloodwork back on Friday the #1 infection fighter had gone from .5 to 5, so I was good to go for treatment.<br />
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Since my white blood cell count dropped so much after treatment, my doctor decided that it would be best for me to go back to getting the day after shot to boost my counts. Remember, this shot causes bone pain. So, I had 3 injections, a chemo drug, and on Saturday got another shot...all causing bone pain. Needless to say, I was in terrible pain following treatment. In addition to the bone pain, the new chemo drug has a side effect that has some getting used to...it causes numbness and tingling in my hands and feet. It is the strangest feeling in the world to walk around with your feet feeling somewhat asleep! <br />
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So, here I am on the eve of my next to last chemo treatment updating my blog. I feel confident that I will be able to get treatment tomorrow since my counts were all good on Friday. I was in my car tonight and a song that sums up how I've felt on this journey came on the radio. I have sung this song as a prayer to God countless times! The song is "Blessings" by Laura Story. I love the chorus of this song: "What if your blessings come through raindrops? What if your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near? What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?"<br />
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If you haven't heard this song, I definitely recommend you take a listen!Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00291229560802485693noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-884903019962579170.post-18101677504671327622012-03-19T21:10:00.001-04:002012-03-20T03:47:48.164-04:00Ooooohhhhhh, we're halfway there...I know several of you thought you missed an entry prior to my last treatment, but I was really tired that week and didn’t post an update. I’ll try to update on the last two treatments and what’s been going on with me the last few weeks this go round. <br />
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I had heard mixed reviews about the side effects of treatment 3. I had heard that some people get really sick because the drugs have built up in your system or that it could be the same as the previous two treatments. I guess I went in expecting the worse, but praying for the best. When we got back to the chemo room I felt so tired and wanted to sleep. I should have known this was my body telling me it wasn’t operating at 100%! I got my treatment, came home, and started feeling sick. I did get sick (the only time I’ve gotten sick this entire process). Since I got sick only once and then felt better the remainder of the week, my oncology staff seem to think I had a touch of a little bug. I actually recovered much better after treatment 3 than I had the previous treatments. <br />
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My birthday fell during the off week, so I had a week of celebration! All the celebrating made for one tired girl, but it was well worth it! The Sunday prior to treatment 4 I participated in a photo shoot highlighting individuals going through chemo. The concept of this book project is to have a picture of the chemo patient on one page with his/her story in his/her own unique way on the other page. I knew going into the photo shoot that I would be photographed with no wig…just me and my bald head. Since my hair had not fallen out completely in all areas, I wanted to fix it before arriving at the photo shoot. Since I have to be careful about cuts, I knew I couldn’t take a razor to my head. I knew that an electric trimmer, which we used to get my buzz cut, would only cut so close. I had the idea to take my electric razor I use to shave my legs and take it to my head…it worked beautifully! Once I had the head photo ready, I had to decide how I wanted to tell my story on a plain white 8 ½ x 11 sheet of paper. I wanted my short page to reflect who I am as an individual and how I’m getting through chemo. I am not going to share it here on my blog until after the book is published in October. I can’t wait to see the final project and hear all the other stories of hope. I’m so honored to be part of this project!<br />
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So with my busy off chemo week behind me, it was time to head into treatment 4. This was the last treatment I was getting my friend “the red devil” and the last of the shots to boost my white blood cell count! This was cause for great rejoicing in my world! I actually recovered better from treatment 4 than I did any of the previous treatments! I only took nausea medicine the first night. I was more tired after this treatment, which the oncology staff has assured me will be normal. I’ve shared before that Ashlee and I meet and talk to people each time we go for a chemo appointment, and treatment 4 was no exception. I think we met our most entertaining person at this visit…<br />
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We saw her in the waiting room moving from seat to seat looking for a plug for her laptop. They called us back within minutes of each other, and when I got to the lab she was sitting in a chair across from me. I use a numbing cream on my port prior to chemo, so I don’t feel them insert the needle. Since my port is about 3 inches below my collar bone, I have to put saran wrap on it to keep it from rubbing off on my clothes. Our little friend looks at me, once I sit down in the chair, and says, “You know you have plastic on your chest, right?!?!” I can be really sarcastic, and in my head I was thinking, “NO! I’m totally oblivious to the huge piece of saran wrap attached to my body at this moment!” I did not say this out loud to her, but tried to explain it to her. She seemed ok with my response and I thought I was done dealing with her. However, she left the lab and sat down next to Ashlee in the waiting area. When I came out, she was full of questions and comments. At first, the questions were normal cancer patient questions…what kind of cancer, when were you diagnosed, blah, blah, blah. Her questions soon turned into a little more than the normal…she asked me why I was getting chemo if they said they got everything. I don’t know a better way to say that I want to live a long life, and my doctor said chemo is my best option at doing just that; SO, I’ll take chemo and the hair loss and whatever else! She then proceeds to tell us about some kind of hydrogen peroxide she is drinking and some $60/bottle mushroom cream from Japan she is using to kill her cancer. Just as the awkward turtle was swimming at a rapid pace, they called my name to go to the room. The whole situation was amusing and sad all at the same time. I don’t know this girl’s name, but she could use prayers. She was diagnosed with colon cancer a year ago. She had surgery and they told her they thought they got it all, so she opted not to do chemo. This past January she went to have a swollen lymphnode in her neck checked and the cancer has metastasized to her entire body. After one chemo treatment, she was once again denying chemo. <br />
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Before every treatment they do a little physical. My nurse practitioner keeps telling me how well I’m doing. Before this last treatment, she told me that she hadn’t expected me to do this well. She really thought that I would have a hard time and lots of complications based on me having to delay treatment a week in the beginning. I know the only reason I’m doing as well as I am is because God is walking with me on this journey. I haven’t been shy about telling her that it’s the power of prayer. She said it was luck. Clearly, this is a mission field and God has placed me there for a reason. I think it’s really cool to see how God orchestrates things. I have a friend from college who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. Without any prior communication regarding my doctors, she went to the same breast surgeon and is now seeing the same oncologist. This means that she will see the same nurse practitioner. Our chemo treatments will overlap some, as she is beginning and I’m on my final 4; but this means there’s one more person God has placed in this office to be a light. Neither of us would have chosen this path for ourselves, but God’s plans are not our plans.Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00291229560802485693noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-884903019962579170.post-8531154910833016742012-02-18T10:35:00.000-05:002012-02-18T10:35:13.797-05:00Quietness, Trust, and SupportI began writing this post from sunny Orlando. This week would be a scheduled treatment week; but my oncologist graciously allowed me to postpone this week's treatment so I could attend an annual conference for work. I must say the change of pace and scenery was very good for me.<br />
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I've got two treatments down & only 6 more to go! Treatment day 2 was very entertaining. While Ashlee & I usually watch a movie while I'm getting my drugs, we ended up talking with the other women seated around us. Initially our conversation was about the most recent episode of The Bachelor, but it soon turned to each of us sharing our cancer story. Cancer stories are a lot like everyone's individual life story...no two are alike & every journey is different. It was very encouraging to me to hear from these ladies who were all much further along in their chemo treatments than I am. We talked about how we each responded to the chemo & the shot the day after. I did respond a little better to the shot this time, which I'm convinced causes me the most issues (aside from nausea). The biggest benefit this time was that I opted to not stay alone at my apartment after treatment. Ashlee and her husband were so kind to open their home to me after treatments. Since my hair began falling out right before my second treatment, I decided to have Ashlee buzz it. I was really unsure about the whole GI Jane look initially; but now as is it continues to fall out, I'm growing more accustomed to it. In fact, there are times when I forget I don't have hair & I'm not wearing my wig! I think I freaked a bellhop out the other day when I opened my hotel room door without a wig and showing my balding head! It wasn't until I saw the shocked look on his face that I realized I had no hair! <br />
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I don't want it to seem that my biggest challenge has been the loss of my hair because that isn't an accurate picture. The days and nights after treatment can be really difficult. I had some issues with dizziness after this treatment, which made it difficult for me to sleep. The middle of the night can also be a trying time mostly because most people are sleeping and there's a lack of physical presence. It's during these times I'm praying the most. I also sing "I've got peace like a river" over and over. I find myself thinking, "If I can make it through the night, I'll be one day closer to feeling better. "<br />
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The Tuesday following treatment I return to the oncologist's office to have blood drawn. They check my white blood cell count among other things. After this treatment my levels were low...too low. While they said I could be out and about, I needed to avoid actively sick people. Do you know how difficult this is in the middle of cold & flu season?!?! Since some illnesses had been going around at the office and I was trying to be well enough to go on the trip this week, I was advised to work from home. I felt so defeated. I'm a people person, and here I was going on over a week in my apartment. I was going NUTS!!! I am so thankful for friends who went with me to dinner and stopped by to visit, so I had some people interaction aside from visits to the pharmacy and grocery store. I know I have issues with just being still and resting, but I'm trying to get better at it. <br />
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This week I was reading my daily <i>Jesus Calling</i> devotional, and it spoke to me exactly where I was last week. The devotion is written as if Jesus is speaking, "Thank Me for the conditions that are requiring you to be still. Do not spoil these quiet hours by wishing them away, waiting impatiently to be active again. Some of the greatest works in My kingdom have been done from sick beds and prison cells. Instead of resenting the limitations of a weakened body, search for My way in the midst of these very circumstances. Limitations can be liberating when your strongest desire is living close to Me. Quietness and trust enhance your awareness of My presence with you. Do not despise these simple ways of serving Me. Although you feel cut off from the activity of the world, your quiet trust makes a powerful statement in spiritual realms. My strength and power show themselves most effective in weakness." It really made me stop and think how many times I want to push myself because I want my old, normal life back. Right now, the old normal has been pushed aside for my new normal, and I need to embrace it.<br />
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So, I mentioned I began writing this post in Orlando (I'm finishing it in my neighborhood Starbucks) where I was at annual work conference. This whole week was a source of encouragement for me. The biggest thing was seeing people who I don't see on a regular basis, but have been walking with me on this journey. I think I got more hugs this week than I've received the last two months!!!! Our Sunday night meeting ended with a private concert with Martina McBride. She currently has a song out titled, "I'm Gonna Love You Through It." This song talks about a woman's journey with breast cancer and those who step up to say, "I'm gonna be by your side and see you through." I can barely listen to this song without crying, so when she started singing I knew this night would be no exception. You may be wondering why this song makes me so emotional. First, you need to listen to it! Second, I know not all friends will choose to stand by your side when something like cancer comes into the picture, so when people do it's a beautiful gift. I've had friends who have turned their backs and walked away. It's been hurtful, but I realize they are not the friends I need in my life...especially on this journey! For every person that has checked out, I've had 5 more that have stepped up to say, "I'm here for you whenever, whatever!" I've been so overwhelmed by the love and support I've received. When I say support, it goes beyond transportation to appointments, bringing food, cleaning my apartment, or running errands (all very important things). It's the smallest acts of kindness...a text message, e-mail, or phone call. These people expect nothing in return from me, they just care. I am so BLESSED and THANKFUL to have each of these people in my life!Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00291229560802485693noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-884903019962579170.post-91177932689183537102012-01-30T21:00:00.001-05:002012-01-31T03:23:08.384-05:00One Treatment Down...I'm starting to think I have a thing for updating my blog the night before chemo treatments. It feels good to have that first treatment behind me! I feel like I know what I'm walking into tomorrow morning! So unlike the last treatment where I had not a clue what to expect! They tell you all the bad stuff that can happen to you, and somehow you believe that all those things will happen to you...at least I did! I soon learned that not everything they said would apply to me, nor would they have communicated all things to me prior to treatment. <br />
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When we made it back to the chemo room, we got ourselves some snacks & prepared to watch a movie while I got my drugs! <br />
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I get two chemo drugs the first four treatments. One of my drugs is nicknamed, "The Red Devil." It's real name (Adriamycin) doesn't sound as intimidating, but the nickname fits! It's red & it's the one that makes me lose my hair. For reasons beyond my comprehension, this drug can't be set up on an IV drip like the other one, so a nurse sits and pushes it in over about 20 minutes. It wasn't until my second hour of treatment when the nurse came to administer "The Red Devil" to me that I realized they spent the first hour juicing me up with nausea meds and some sort of hypnotic drug. I'm not really sure what the hypnotic drug does, but I'm quite entertaining a few hours after it hits my system! The nurse suggested to me that I cut my shoulder length hair because I would begin to lose my hair within the next 14-21 days. Her reasoning was that it would hurt more the longer it was when it began to fall out. I was thinking emotionally painful, but she meant emotional AND physical pain. <br />
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The day after my treatment I have to go back and get a little shot in the arm to help boost my immune system. Basically the shot forces my bones to produce bone marrow, so my white blood cell count will come back up. The nurses said the shot would cause pain similar to severe menstrual cramps. I've had severe cramps before, and the pain from this shot made those cramps look weak! First, this pain is all over your body...every bone aching! The pain was so severe for me that I couldn't get out of the bed for a whole day & barely made it out the second day after the shot! Thankfully, I only have to get this shot after the first 4 treatments...1 down, 3 to go! <br />
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I did get my hair cut really short...the shortest I've ever had it, but not the shortest it will be on this journey. It was probably a good thing I was still under the influence of the hypnotic drug & some nausea meds when my stylist cut my hair because I'm sure I would have been much more of an emotional wreck! And now we are at day 13 and my hair has begun to fall out. I feel like I've somehow prepared myself emotionally for it, but for the physical pain I was not!!!! It feels like someone is taking each individual hair all over my body and yanking each one out down to the root! I want to avoid the mess of losing the hair on my head, so I'm planning to have someone shave it for me. I ordered my wig & was told it would be here by today, but it wasn't. I'm a little anxious about having a bald head & no wig, but I'm gonna embrace it! <br />
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The big question that I haven't answered yet is, "How did I do after treatment?" Aside from the severe bone pain, I was only tired and nauseated. I've heard conflicting comments on how I will respond to future treatments. I've heard that how my body responded to the first treatment is what's can expect for all treatments. BUT, I've also heard that my body could respond differently as the drugs build up in my system over time. I am praying AND believing that nausea is the worst that comes my way. I know others are praying, too. I've already seen God answer so many prayers throughout this journey, that I know NO request is too small for my <b>VERY BIG</b> God! Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00291229560802485693noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-884903019962579170.post-8405239165193723412012-01-16T20:17:00.000-05:002012-01-16T20:17:41.187-05:00An Update...FINALLY!!!!I know it's been a while since I've updated the blog. It's been hard to find words to express how I'm feeling & what I'm going through at times. With that being said, I'll update on my progress thus far. <br />
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Surgery day came and I was ready to just get the show on the road. I was so blessed to have an amazing operating room nurse! She looked a little like Lucille Ball and was so sweet! She told me how beautiful I was from the time she started wheeling me down the hall to the operating room until we made it into the room! Keep in mind, I'm in a hospital gown, hair net & have ABSOLUTELY NO make-up on my face...she's either sweet or incredibly delusional! Since she was my "bodyguard" while I was unconscious, I choose incredibly sweet! :) I don't remember much about that day except somewhere in the fog of the anesthesia wearing off I remember hearing an announcement over the PA system at the hospital stating visitor hours were over. It wasn't until the next day that I realized I was under far longer than anticipated. There were no complications, my surgeon just wanted to take his time & make sure everything was perfect.<br />
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Day 2 - I woke up that morning & thought, "What was I thinking having them take my back muscles?!" I won't lie, it was painful! You don't realize how much you use those muscles until they aren't there! My mom was really quick to remind me that when I see the end result I'll be so much happier that I did go with this option. Now keep in mind that I've been in the anesthesia fog & haven't a clue what anything under the gown looks like...until my surgeon comes for rounds. If you remember from my last blog, I was expecting to be flat-chested...I was not & I'm still not flat-chested. SHOCKING revelation there, but I was in lala land between the anesthesia & the pump of whatever pain killer they had me on so this revelation wasn't as shocking to me that day ad it was later. Not much info my surgeon shared with me that day shocked me, except 2 pieces of instruction... 1) I could not shave under my arms until the 4 drain tubes were removed, which could be 4-6 weeks later AND 2) I would not be able to wear my high heels for a while because of balancing issues. The shaving thing really bugged me because I'm a little OCD about it & I'm not one who is longing for the European look or smell! The shoes I felt I could handle a little easier since I wasn't feeling the whole walking around business much at that point & knew I'd be out of commission for a while. However, these 2 pieces of info got a shocked response out of me! <br />
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On the 3rd day, my surgeon let me go home. I convinced him that I would rest much better at home. Honestly, there isn't much resting happening when you have a hard time getting comfortable because you've been cut front & back, you've got tubes coming out of you, and you're bruised from the whole business of them flipping you during surgery. The rest came in spurts & I took it as it came. <br />
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A week after surgery I went for all my follow-up appointments. First up, the breast surgeon...they gave me the final lab results & the cancer had NOT spread to any lymph nodes! This was a huge answer to prayer! I had been stressed about the cancer spreading after my initial visit with the oncologist. I can't remember if I've shared this or not, but I have what is referred to as triple negative breast cancer. This type is not hormone fed & it is most likely to spread. Without chemo treatment, 1 in 3 women die from this type of breast cancer. Hearing that type of statistic will scare you! After hearing they got everything, I left that appointment & just breathed a sigh of relief! My second stop that week was the plastic surgeon. Everything was healing beautifully & I had better range of motion than most of his patients after 2 weeks (I may be a little bit of an overachiever)! BUT, with all the healing there was a slight problem...I had an allergic reaction to all the bandages & glue used to put humpty dumpty back together again. So a week out & all bandages have to come off! I'm put on Benadryl & another round of antibiotics. Once the bandages were off, things started improving on the healing & comfort sides. <br />
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After that first week, it's just been a lot of me resting & being carted to and from Dr. appointments by friends since I was unable to drive until about week 5...and only now in week 7 is it starting to feel extremely comfortable. My plastic surgeon has been the primary doctor on this journey up until chemo treatments, and he allowed me to go out of town for Christmas. It was good to get away because when I came back I hit the ground running with all sorts of appointments. There were so many things that had to be done prior to starting chemo. I had to visit the cardiologist to have my heart checked out, go to chemo class to hear everything that may happen to me on the treatments, and have my port placement done. On January 5th I went in to have my port placed, so I could begin chemo on the 10th. They were careful to not use latex, but used my old friend dermabond to seal up the wounds. I was more stressed about the fact that I was starting chemo in 5 days than to think about the allergic reaction I was having to the dermabond. I was so stressed about chemo that I was physically sick for 3 days leading up to the treatment day! I hadn't noticed the severe rash I had developed from the dermabond because when I looked at the port site all I saw was bruising! When we (me & my chemo buddy & friend, Ashlee) get back to the room the nurse basically tells us she doesn't know if I can get treatment that day, but the final word would come from my nurse practitioner. Well, she came & the answer was, "No chemo for you...today!" I was deflated. I had psyched myself up for treatment & then I couldn't get it...all because of a stupid allergic reaction! They wanted to give it a week to heal & sent me on my way. <br />
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So, here I am the night before my 1st chemo treatment. The rash is gone, which I'm confident is all because of the power of prayer. A lot of people have asked why I have to have chemo since the cancer hadn't spread & they were able to get it all. The answer: 1) I have triple negative breast cancer & this is my best chance at survival! The odds without chemo are scary, but there's a flip side to it...triple negative breast cancer is MOST receptive to chemo! So, if I have to lose my hair & my eyebrows (praying not) for several months in order to live a long & healthy life, I'll take it! 2) I'm 35 & have breast cancer...they treat aggressively when you're this young! I don't feel nearly as stressed about the treatment as I did last week. I'm still not quite sure what to expect, but I'm ready to get this thing started! I'm sure Ashlee and I will find something to laugh about (as usual) and get laughs & stares out of other patients, family members, & office staff. I'll be the first to admit that the cancer journey can send you on an emotional roller coaster. While I think every emotion is a valid & necessary part of the process, I don't dwell in the dark places long. I find scripture or songs that encourage me to keep fighting & not lose hope & when necessary I reach out to those around me that I can trust with my feelings & are walking with me on this journey. So, while I haven't a clue about what this 1st treatment will be like for me, I hope that Ashlee & I find something to laugh about & bring smiles & offer encouragement to those around us...if nothing else we are entertaining! :)Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00291229560802485693noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-884903019962579170.post-54806607438834978662011-11-14T20:47:00.002-05:002011-11-14T20:47:43.749-05:00Caught in a WhirlwindThe past 3 weeks have been a whirlwind of doctor’s appointments, test results, and surgery scheduling. I’ll try to update on those 3 things in order of occurrence. <br />
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Once I decided that a double mastectomy and reconstruction was the route I wanted to take, an appointment was made for me with a plastic surgeon. I had some unrealistic expectations going into this appointment. In my mind I had convinced myself that I would go in for surgery and have the boobs that are trying to kill me removed, and walk out with my new fake set…not so much! As I quickly learned, the day of surgery I will have an expander placed under each pectoral muscle and will have to go through a process to stretch the muscles to support the implants. When I say a process, I’m talking approximately 3 months AND another surgery before I get the implants. The thought of being flat-chested has caused a lot of anxiety. I have not been flat-chested since I was 10! It’s so weird how you don’t really notice individual parts of your body until they are taken from you. And maybe it’s a woman thing…you are losing something that identifies you as a woman…I don’t know.<br />
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I had prayed about the decision for treatment and really felt like God was leading toward the double mastectomy. I don’t know why we do, but we always want more confirmation from God that we really are making the right decision…I definitely wanted extra confirmation on this decision (especially after hearing I was not walking out of the operating room ready to go)! As I mentioned in my last update, I had some genetic testing done. They were testing to see if I had BRCA1 or BRCA2 or more commonly known as “the breast cancer gene”. Well, it turns out I do have BRCA2. This little gene mutation increases my chances of breast cancer, ovarian cancer, and a few other things. The two which present the greatest concern are breast and ovarian cancer. What does this mean for me? Well, in regards to the breast cancer, should I only have a lumpectomy or single mastectomy I would have increased chances of reoccurrence. SO, this confirmed my decision to have the double mastectomy….not quite the confirmation I wanted, but you know I asked for confirmation and God gave it! In regards to the ovarian cancer chances, I also now have to think about having my ovaries removed. Not a really easy thing to deal with when you are single and have no kids & having your ovaries removed takes those chances away. However, I also know that having BRCA2 means I could pass it on to my child (50/50 chance) and I wouldn’t want to knowingly pass this on to a kid. The ovary removal is obviously not at the forefront of my thoughts, but it is there and will be dealt after I’ve kicked the cancer!<br />
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So, with me ready to move forward with surgery it was time to get a date scheduled. So, November 30th I will be going in to have a double mastectomy and latissimus dorsi flap reconstruction. For the reconstruction they will be taking muscles from my back and moving them to my chest to give extra support. They will also insert an expander under my pectorals. Beginning two weeks after surgery, I will go once a week to have saline injected into the expander until I we have stretched it to the desired size (approximately 9 weeks). I like to view this as puberty ALL OVER AGAIN!!!! <br />
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I’m quickly learning that there is nothing quick about the cancer journey. I’m so thankful for the love and support I’ve been shown over the last several weeks. I have heard countless times from people around me how well I’m handling all of this. I KNOW it is God who is giving me strength when I have none on my own. None of this caught God by surprise, and I’m convinced He has a plan and a purpose for me going through this and I’m just going to trust. As one of my friends said to me the other day, “Some moments you have to just reach out and say, ‘Blessed Jesus, hold my hand!’”Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00291229560802485693noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-884903019962579170.post-71515880236958644852011-10-26T21:15:00.002-04:002011-10-27T21:54:54.545-04:00Those 3 words...I have always been paranoid about lumps in my breast, so I’m constantly doing self-exams. While I was paranoid about finding a lump, I never thought I would find a lump! So, how shocked was I when I did find a lump on September 17th?!?! I immediately went into freak out mode! I spent that entire night tossing and turning trying to convince myself the whole thing was a horrible dream and I would just wake up to find there wasn’t a lump there at all…WRONGO!!!!! The next morning I woke up ready to go to church where we were beginning a new series titled, “Fear Less.” I thought if there ever was a sermon series that I needed to hear at this exact moment, this was the one! I cried through an entire song. I’m not one who likes to lose my composure in public, AND I’m <strong>DEFINITELY</strong> not a fan of crying all my make-up off in a public place! I don’t leave my house without a little something on my face! All I can say is, “Thank God for waterproof mascara!” As I sat there crying my eyes out & my make-up off, I felt a peace come over me. I knew God was with me & would not leave my side through the next 4 weeks of waiting and doctor appointments. <br /><br />Everyone tells you not to worry about something like finding a lump, but that is so much easier said than done! First of all, I’m not an extremely patient person…I hope God is not trying to teach me patience here cause this will be a long, bumpy ride! I didn’t like the fact that I had to wait until Monday morning to call to try to get in to see a doctor. They couldn’t see me until Friday. I waited almost a week for the first appointment. I didn’t sleep much that entire week. I hoped my appointment on that Friday would provide answers, but it didn’t. I was told that I would have to see a breast specialist. I attempted to call that afternoon only to find that office closes early on Friday and I would need to wait until Monday to try to schedule an appointment. The sleepless nights continued. I was able to get in to that office on Thursday of that week. The ultrasound revealed the lump was a solid mass and I was sent to have a mammogram and a biopsy was scheduled. I was freaked out! I knew a solid mass wasn’t good! As a side note, did you know women should have a baseline mammogram at the age of 35??? They hurt like a <strong>MOTHER</strong>, but are important!!!!<br /><br />I had a needle biopsy on October 10th and 3 days later I went back for the results. My fears were confirmed when my doctor looked at me and told me the biopsy revealed cancer. I’m 35, have no family history of breast cancer, and I have breast cancer….<strong>WHAT</strong>?!?!? Remember, I don’t like to cry in public, but cry I DID! It’s the craziest thing to receive this news, and then the doctor starts laying out a plan. No one was with me for this appointment, so all I could think was, “I hope she’s planning to give me this stuff in writing because I’ve heard nothing past, ‘You have cancer.’” As much as you prepare yourself for getting this news (and I do believe God prepared my heart to receive this news), you are NOT prepared to have someone look at you and say, “You have cancer.” Those are 3 words NO ONE wants to hear! Because of my age, I’ve had to do some additional genetic testing to determine why someone as young as I am has cancer. At 35, I don’t consider myself to be young, but if the doctor says I’m young…I will take it & use it!<br /><br />The genetic testing required DNA to be extracted, but for whatever reason they had no one working who could draw blood on the day of my appointment. I’ve watched enough CSI to know you can get DNA from a cotton swab to the cheek. All my CSI people know what I’m talking about, right?! Well, that is not how they plan to extract my DNA. I took 2 shots of Scope (yes, the mouthwash) and swished each in my mouth for 30 seconds and spit it in a tube. I have not one clue how they plan to get my DNA from that, but I had minty fresh breath when I left that doctor’s office! <br /><br />So, I have cancer…what’s next? I have decided for me that the best option is a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction. While some think this is extreme for someone my age, I have weighed all options and feel this is the best choice for me. I mentioned I’m not patient, so I want to deal with it & never deal with it again! Based on other tests done during the biopsy, I will have to go through chemo. To what extent I have no idea…I’ll know more after surgery. I’ll be posting regular updates about my journey here. Please know that I plan to be as real and vulnerable as possible since this will be my outlet. My dad has always told us, “Attitude is everything.” I believe that, but I also believe laughter is the best medicine…and I <strong>LOVE</strong> to laugh…it’s my FAVORITE!!!! I plan to share those things that I find humorous because I’m sure there will be a lot of not so humorous moments I’ll be sharing, too.<br /><br />Until next time…Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00291229560802485693noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-884903019962579170.post-89196861384717243622010-08-21T14:40:00.003-04:002011-10-25T21:05:39.399-04:00Eat~Pray~LoveI, like many other women, was looking forward to the release of "Eat Pray Love" in movie theaters. <br /><br />I had bought the book at the beginning of summer with the intent to read the book by the time the movie was released. As the days passed, I wasn't getting very far in my reading. I just couldn't get into the book. <br /><br />Finally, the movie release date was here, and I had not finished the book. I really wanted to see the movie, and I thought seeing the movie would make me want to finish the book. Although, I hadn't made it past the eating part of the book. My thought process was, "I love to Eat, I Pray, and who doesn't love Love?!"<br /><br />Probably not the most logical thought process for spending $10.50 and giving up 2+ hours of my life that I'll never get back, but I'm not always the most logical girl in the world! <br /><br />I was all fine through Italy, but our stay there could have been cut a little short because the storyline was losing me. By the time we got to India and Pray, I was fidgeting in my seat to keep from falling asleep. I kept telling myself to hang on for Indonesia and Love because it would get better...I was WRONG! Now, her love interest was not too bad on the eyes, but it just lacked so much in the way of a compelling story. <br /><br />I left the theater, after I lost $10.50 and over 2 hours of my life, convinced that this would be a book I would never finish.Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00291229560802485693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-884903019962579170.post-65510144016696688622010-06-12T13:56:00.002-04:002010-06-12T14:00:00.000-04:00The best of intentions...Well, the second week with Jillian didn't turn out so great! I wish I were one of those people who worked out even when I'm sick, but I'm not! I have been sick all week, so Jillian has been put on the back burner. I wonder if I can deduct these days off from the 30 day challenge? Surely they shouldn't count! I plan on getting back on The Shred wagon this week...I hope I'm ready to embrace the torture again!Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00291229560802485693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-884903019962579170.post-55271589330985084372010-06-03T21:04:00.003-04:002010-06-03T21:22:07.738-04:00Temporary Lapse of SanityI've put on a few extra pounds recently. While most of the weight gain is due to a thyroid disorder, some isn't. In an effort to get my body back to the way it was...or even better, I've been trying every exercise and workout plan imaginable. SO, when I see a DVD that reads, "Lose up to 2o lbs in 30 days," how could I pass that offer up?!?! Especially when it's only a 2o minute workout for $10 at my local Target! What is this amazing workout you ask??? Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred! It must have been a temporary lapse of sanity that landed that DVD into my basket, onto the checkout conveyor, and then in a bag to come home with me! Jillian Michaels...the killer trainer from Biggest Loser...she scares me when I watch her yell at other people! Now, I've invited her into my home to become my personal trainer...WHAT was I thinking?!?!?!<br /><br />If you think she won't yell at you because it's a DVD...WRONG!!!!! It's been 3 days and I can't feel my legs! I almost fell down the stairs this morning because I had picked my leg up as high as I could, but it still wasn't quite high enough. I thought I was a pretty fit person until I got this workout! Tears flowed...I can't lie!!!! My body better look transformed by the end of this 3o days...I'm just sayin! <br /><br />I'll be blogging about my journey with Jillian, and if you're looking for a challenging workout...get this DVD and join me!!!!!Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00291229560802485693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-884903019962579170.post-66004523994278458182009-12-12T08:22:00.002-05:002009-12-12T08:57:06.408-05:00I'll Be Home for ChristmasI was thinking today about the song, "I'll Be Home for Christmas." When I moved away from home to attend college and later to relocate to Atlanta this song became one of my favorites. I connected it with going home to that familiar place that I called home. It was a combination of the people and the place. For some reason, I always expected home to be a constant. I don't know why because when you grow-up as a PK (Preacher's Kid), you know changes and moves are inevitable. When my parents moved to south Florida in 2002, home changed for me. That same year my sister and brother-in-law relocated to Atlanta and, bonus for me, they were expecting my first niece. Kids change things and this one definitely changed Christmas for us. My sister would now become the Christmas hostess. I lost a little love for the song during this time because I thought, "I have no home to go home to for Christmas." <br /><br />We had begun new traditions with the first niece 7 years ago. Then 4 years ago we began even more new traditions with the addition of another niece. My sister had taken on the tradition that my parents had of us inviting the entire family to spend Christmas with us. This wasn't just Christmas Day...it extended to days leading up to and following. That's a lot of family in 1 house!!!!<br /><br />As I was beginning to settle into the idea of our new traditions, things changed again. My brother-in-law accepted a job in frigid Indiana the beginning of this year, so this meant our Christmas traditions would change again. Now, I will be travelling to Indiana for Christmas. <br /><br />Even though there have been so many changes, I've rekindled my love for "I'll Be Home for Christmas." Home for me is family. We may be celebrating in a different place this year, but it's the faces of those that I'll be celebrating with that are home for me. I couldn't imagine not spending Christmas with my family. I've been passing down my Christmas traditions to my nieces. The best of all is getting up at 6 to open presents. I try to be kind to adults by getting up earlier to have the coffee made and ready to go...hoping they won't hate me for passing down this tradition, but this is what being home for Christmas means to me.Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00291229560802485693noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-884903019962579170.post-71379488087628915982009-11-07T14:14:00.000-05:002011-08-10T21:36:35.060-04:00Refine MeProverbs 27:21 "The crucible is for silver and the furnace for gold, and each is tested by the praise accorded him."<br /><br />Proverbs 17:3 "The refining pot is for silver and the furnace for gold, but the Lord tests hearts."<br /><br />Refining is the purification process of a substance or form. During the refining process of metals, like gold or silver, heat is used to release the dross (impurities). The purifier will skim these impurities off the top of the pot. The refining process is complete when the refiner looks into the pot and sees his reflection. The final product is identical to the original form.<br /><br />Trials are the refining process God uses to remove impurities in our lives and make us more like Him. James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of you faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." I don't know about you, but I've never been in the midst of a trial and thought, "This is GREAT!!!!!" We usually don't view these trials as joyful experiences when we are going through them, but we have to remember that God promises to work all things for good (Romans 8:28). Malachi 3:3 says, "He will sit as a smelter and purifier of silver, and He will purify the sons of Levi and refine them like gold and silver, so that they may present to the Lord offerings in righteousness." In the refining process of gold and silver, the fire has to reach a certain temperature to release the impurities. However, if the temperature is one degree higher it can damage the metal, so the purifier sits with the fire. God doesn't leave us in the middle of a trial because His ultimate goal with trials isn't to destroy us, but to strengthen us and deepen our faith in Him.<br /><br />The more pure the gold or silver, the more it is worth. We are worthy & valuable to God, and He uses this refining process to show us how much values us. I've experienced trials in my own life and I haven't enjoyed them when going through them, but I have experienced the benefits that can come from them. THAT gives me hope to endure my current trial! It explains why David prayed in Psalm 26:2, "Examine me, O Lord, and try me; test my mind and heart."<br /><br />I have adopted the song, Refine Me, by Jennifer Knapp as my prayer to God. The lyrics are:<br /><div align="center"> </div><div align="center">I come into this place</div><div align="center">Burning to receive your peace</div><div align="center">I come with my own chains</div><div align="center">From wars I've fought for my own selfish gain</div><div align="center">You're my God and my Father</div><div align="center">I've accepted Your Son</div><div align="center">But my soul feels so empty now</div><div align="center">What have I become?</div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center">Lord, come with Your fire</div><div align="center">Burn my desires; refine me</div><div align="center">Lord, my will has deceived me</div><div align="center">Please come and free me</div><div align="center">Refine me</div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center">My heart can't see</div><div align="center">When I only look at me</div><div align="center">My soul can't hear</div><div align="center">When I only think of my own fears</div><div align="center">They are gone in a moment</div><div align="center">You're forever the same</div><div align="center">Why did I look away from You</div><div align="center">How can I speak Your name</div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center">Lord, come with Your fire</div><div align="center">Burn my desires; refine me</div><div align="center">Lord, my will has deceived me</div><div align="center">Please come and free me</div><div align="center">Come rescue this child</div><div align="center">For I long to be reconciled to You</div><div align="center">It's all I can do </div><div align="center">To give my heart and soul to You</div><div align="center">And pray, and pray, oh I will pray</div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center">Lord, come with Your fire </div><div align="center">Burn my desires; refine me</div><div align="center">Lord, my will has deceived me</div><div align="center">Please come and free me </div><div align="center">Come rescue this child</div><div align="center">For I long to be reconciled to You</div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center">Refine Me, Refine Me</div><div align="center">Refine Me</div>Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00291229560802485693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-884903019962579170.post-52999485799659405392009-10-31T21:09:00.000-04:002011-08-10T21:36:35.060-04:00Shining Like the MoonI'm a mix between a city & country girl. I love the city lights. However, I love to be away from all the lights and have the only light be from the light of the moon. Lots of people talk about watching the sun rise over the ocean. While I enjoy the beauty of the sunrise, I'm a little opposite of most people. I like to watch the moon dance on the ocean. <br /><br />There's a line from the song, "Shine," by Salvador that says, "I want to shine like the moon a reflection of You." As I sat and pondered this line, I realized what a beautiful symbol the moon is of what our lives, as Christians, should look like. The moon is merely reflecting the light from the sun. Just like we should be reflecting The Son!<br /><br />Proverbs 27:19 "As in water face reflects face, so the heart of man reflects man."Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00291229560802485693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-884903019962579170.post-70212289106183810542009-10-31T21:05:00.000-04:002011-08-10T21:36:35.060-04:00Break Is OverSorry it's been so long since I've posted. I had several months where I was moving and allowing God to do some work in my own heart and life. I'm back now; and hopefully, I will be posting a lot more frequently.Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00291229560802485693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-884903019962579170.post-84784242721763770392009-10-08T21:27:00.002-04:002009-10-08T21:43:23.499-04:00Did You Just Need a Doughnut Reaallll Bad?!?!It's taken me some time to be able to write about this incident, but here goes...<br /><br />They say most accidents happen less than a mile from home. Well, this was true for me. I had left home stopped at QT to get gas before making my long trek from my home (north of Atlanta) to my office (south of Atlanta). After leaving QT I made my way back out onto the road. I was first in line at the traffic light. I saw the police cruiser pull up to the U-turn lane on the opposite side of the road. The thought popped in my head, "He is going to flip his lights on just as the light turns green, so he can go without waiting on the line of traffic behind me." Now, I thought this, but I didn't think it would really happen! Well, the light turned green and sure enough he flipped on his lights to make his u-turn. So, what's a girl to do? She has to yield to the flashing blue lights!!!! Just as sure as I stopped to allow this police officer to make his u-turn, I was rear-ended by the car behind me! <br /><br />The nice little police officer that just HAD to make that u-turn saw the accident happen, so he stopped to write up the police report. It took everything within me not to say to him, "So, you really weren't turning your lights on to go on a call?! What?! You just couldn't wait another second longer to get to the Dunkin D0nuts?!" I refrained and was on my merry little way in no time...just with a dent in the back bumper!<br /><br />So, here's my life lesson: When a police cruiser pulls up to a traffic light be prepared for the lights to go on. You may think he's got a call to answer, but it's really just the call of the doughnut! I'm just sayin...Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00291229560802485693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-884903019962579170.post-44722838835799982552009-06-06T09:18:00.000-04:002011-08-10T21:36:35.060-04:00I Am ClayIsaiah 64:8 "But now, O Lord, You are our Father; we are the clay, and You our Potter; and all we are the work of Your hand."<br /><br />Several months ago, I went to a pottery shop for an introductory class. As I began to mold my clay, I was reminded that we are clay that is constantly being molded and shaped by our Father's hands.<br /><br />I will be honest, my first piece didn't look so good. One would think that it wouldn't be THAT hard to make a bowl-like structure when you have something to form it around...YEAH, RIGHT! When I looked at my first piece of work, I saw every imperfection and flaw. I really wanted to just throw it away and say, "Forget it!" The instructor told me not to look at it that way because when it was glazed and fired, it could come out looking really great.<br /><br />What a great reminder of how God looks at us! Sure, we all have flaws and imperfections, but God doesn't toss us because of them. I put a lot of pressure on myself to not allow my flaws or imperfections show. I view them as weaknesses and I don't want anyone to view me as weak. However, I'm quickly learning that in my weaknesses He is made strong. What I see as horrible imperfections, He sees as areas of my life that, if I choose to live in truth and grace, He can use to bring ultimate glory to Himself! When we allow Him to continue to work on those flaws and imperfections, our lives become a beautiful testimony of His mercy and grace. God doesn't toss us because of our imperfections because He sees the final result and IT is a beautiful piece of work.Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00291229560802485693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-884903019962579170.post-74470605467659634152009-05-16T11:41:00.000-04:002011-08-10T21:36:35.061-04:00Guard your heart, girl!"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23<br /><br />Our hearts house who we are...our desires. As John Eldredge says in his book, <u>Desire</u>, "Everything that makes life worth living flows from the heart. Intimacy, romance, love. Adventure and meaning and purpose. Courage and sacrifice and joy." No wonder we're told to guard our hearts! <br /><br />I can't count the number of times that I've been told as a Christian single to "guard my heart" in regards to relationships with the opposite sex. I fully agree that girls do need to guard their hearts in those relationships, but I also think it extends beyond those relationships and beyond applying only to girls! <br /><br />I think we overlook guarding our hearts with friends because we think we need to share everything with every friend. I had to learn the hard way that every friend can't be trusted with my entire heart. I'm sure that I'm not the only person that has experienced the hurt and pain that comes from a friend when you realize you've trusted them with a part of you/your heart that they couldn't handle. I will admit that it's hard to determine who to share what with without being fake! I finally learned that there are degrees of truth. This has allowed me to be the real me with all my friends, but each friendship has its own level of truth. I have friends who are, what I call, my heart friends. These are the friends that I can bare my soul to and know they can be trusted with that information. Those heart friends were determined over time because character had to be revealed.<br /><br />It's hard to know to what extent to guard your heart in relationships, but I've found that it's good to land somewhere in the middle of the two extremes of too open and too guarded. I've been both extremes. We all know that when we're too open, pain is inevitable! Being too guarded can be painful, too. It causes us to close ourselves off to what could be really great relationships. I don't think God wants us to live life this way. We were built for relationship with Him and others. Some of my greatest learning lessons have come out of situations where I let the guard down. Those lessons haven't always been painless; but, as someone once told me, "Stretching and growing is always painful." I don't want to be so guarded that I miss out on something that could be really great!Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00291229560802485693noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-884903019962579170.post-14578449254893345792009-05-14T21:09:00.009-04:002009-05-30T22:57:03.723-04:00It's time to come clean<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_MN0dT-j_ySk/SgzN-yo2lxI/AAAAAAAAAA4/ZWG56de4b4k/s1600-h/Starbucks.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5335866137155901202" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 131px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 131px" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_MN0dT-j_ySk/SgzN-yo2lxI/AAAAAAAAAA4/ZWG56de4b4k/s320/Starbucks.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>Hello, my name is Angela AND I am a Starbucks addict. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Readers of I'm Just Sayin: "Hello, Angela."</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Really???? What's not to love about Starbucks?! I guess for some it is as Tom Hanks' character in You've Got Mail says, "The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision making ability, whatsoever, to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short. Tall. Light. Dark. Caff. Decaf. Low fat. Nonfat. So people who don't know who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee, but absolutely a defining sense of self!"</div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I've been drinking coffee most of my life, but Starbucks allowed me to take that coffee addiction to a whole new level! It opened a whole new world of coffee opportunities for me! I could couple two of my favorite things in one cup...coffee and caramel. What more could a girl want?! Well, lots, but that's an entirely different blog!</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>For me, Starbucks is more than just coffee...it is an experience! </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>When you walk in, you are greeted by the rich coffee aroma! That smell soon gets into your clothes and hair, which I must say is like taking a little piece of heaven with you when you go! I wish I could figure out how to bottle that smell! </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I love meeting friends at, as I affectionately call it, The Bucks! You don't have to worry about them kicking you out because you've been there for hours chatting away, reading a book, or working on your computer. You can settle in to one of their deep, comfy chairs and let the stresses of the day just melt away and enjoy your cup of coffee. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div>It's my happy place! SIGHHHHHHHH :) </div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div>Angelahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00291229560802485693noreply@blogger.com2